Availability Isn’t Enough
How a helpful phrase can encourage passivity, stall progress and damage confidence.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
“I’m available should anything come up.”
“I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
“Please, don’t hesitate to ask for help.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
We’ve all said some variation of these phrases before. We often use these phrases when we see someone struggling with a problem, in the midst of a dilemma, or in a creative rut. There’s only one problem: they usually fail to achieve the goal of true assistance.
Think about the last time you said a phrase like this to someone. Did they come to you for help? If so, how long did it take and what was their demeanor? Did they ignore the problem they had and find a solution without you?
As leaders it is important to understand what is implied with these types of phrases. On the front-end it sounds extremely accommodating and helpful. You are, after all, telling someone that you’ll make time for them if they need it.
The problem isn’t that you are being malicious or that the phrase is fundamentally damaging. The problem will arise in how the relationship of the individuals is repositioned because of it.
This phrase unintentionally, but immediately, puts hierarchy in the relationship. One is now the problem while the other is the problem-fixer. One is now the the student, the other the teacher. Pressure is now applied on one person to research, hypothesize, and solve while the other waits to react, supervise, and passively approve or critique.
No longer are they on the same playing field, working together toward a common objective. One is now there to fix a problem that the other apparently can’t. One is now the tightrope walker and the other the safety net. Obviously, this isn’t what most people are trying to communicate, but can often be implied.
Lessons from Grief
This happens many times when we’re trying to help someone with a unique problem or endeavor that we haven’t encountered before. The phrase came roll off our tongue as a defense mechanism before we even realize it.
I actually hear this most, and have personally fallen into the trap of saying something similar to this, when we try to comfort loved ones when they have experienced tragedy.
Sheryl Sandberg references some of the dangers of this type of reaction as she thoughtfully articulated her own experience of grieving her husband.
“I used to say, when someone was going through something hard, ‘Is there anything I can do?’ And I meant it, I meant it kindly. But the problem is … that kind of shifts the burden to the person you’re offering the help to to figure out what they need. And when I was on the other side of that question, I didn’t know how to answer it. Is there anything you can do? Well, can you make Father’s Day go away so I don’t have to live through it every year? No.”
— Sheryl Sandberg
Obviously, workplace projects can’t compare to the loss or pain of a loved one, but oftentimes the struggle of support is the same. How can someone help me work through the creative self-doubt I’m experiencing? It is easy to feel alone and in a rut.
Presence > knowledge.
Many times, what people are experiencing when they are in a rut isn’t a lack of knowledge, its a lack of support, a lack of a someone to listen, or someone to challenge their ideas or put them in a new perspective with lateral empathy. On the whole, people are resourceful enough to gather the data and information required to tackle a problem. It’s moving that information to actionable steps toward a unique solution that is tough and usually requires assistance.
However, because information is so readily available today, this relational positioning can cause the “worker” to endlessly search for an answer they aren’t expected to find on their own and get caught up in their own neurosis of self-doubt.
It isn’t a lack knowledge which hurts creative process. It is usually a lack of structured presence.
Relationship & Review
A working relationship, even between a supervisor and direct report, doesn’t have to be setup with this hierarchy, and fortunately it doesn’t take that much. A simple change of structure will do. Below are some simple tips I’ve found to assist, and fortunately, they’re all pretty simple.
- Plan your presence. Go ahead and schedule a date on a calendar to review progress with colleagues. Be proactive in your prioritizing of them in your calendar. This will do two things: (1) Help motivate your colleague by giving them timeline parameters. (2) Let them know that you believe in their ability to move forward.
- Set expectations with communication method and a milestone. You might not be able to control when someone will need you, but you can show that you want to engage by planning the environment and structure around it. Oftentimes, people don’t know when is the best time to engage others for the type of feedback they need, and you setting the pace and expectation helps them immensely in how best to engage you.
- Schedule regular 1:1’s. This is a business basic which can be easily overlooked. 30 min-1 hour a week is well worth the time to ensure that your team is on the same page and feels confident in your expectations. If you don’t do these regularly or don’t find them valuable in your current setup, I recommend trying the structure that Kim Scott lays out in Radical Candor.
- Encourage & Critique On-the-Go. Team members can hesitate to approach “available” people because they might have lack of confidence based on something unrelated to the project at hand. If you are being open and honest to encourage and critique regularly, they won’t think you’re waiting for one meeting to lay down a smackdown and will feel more confident to approach you in impromptu review.
